Today has physically and mentally been a long day. Even though it didn’t turn out the way I imagined, I’m so grateful for another year. You see, today is my birthday. 25 years ago my life started and I’m so grateful to have turned 25. Even though the number always scares me a little bit every year. But the thing is – I don’t feel 25. I guess it’s because I had this imagine of how 25 would feel and look like from a young age. And now that it has arrived, I don’t feel a day over 20, maybe 21. It’s like time stopped 5 years ago, even though it didn’t.
My plans today were having a huge breakfast, taking my son to daycare and then continuing the day with my daughter. I planned to meet my mum and we would have coffee and cake. I would take her home to my house and cut her hair, pick up my son and start dinner. I wanted my brother to come visit us and we would all have cake together, and maybe I would open some presents. All of this never happened because it couldn’t. And even though we plan, God plans as well and He is the Best of Planners.
Today didn’t happen has I imagined but I’m still so grateful for the family I’ve got, for my two healthy children who even at hard times bring a smile to my face, and for another year. God willing, I will have many more to come with my family by my side.
You tell me I am oppressed because of the way I dress.
You tell me I am oppressed because I cover my hair.
You tell me I am oppressed because I choose not to hug nor kiss you.
Now you are outside covering your face and your hands.
And you neither touch nor kiss someone,
because you are scared of the dangerous corona virus.
Science is now telling you how to dress and act with others.
Allah has always told me how to dress and act with others.
You are afraid of the virus.
I am afraid of Allah.
You want to be saved from the epidemic.
I want to be saved from the hell fire.
Now who of us is oppressed?
Make your purpose to strive for success
Paradise where you’ll rest
And make the Angels know your name
Prayer is the only thing separating a believer from a disbeliever
Fight the urge to fall in love with this worldly life
Because it will end for each and everyone of us
No one can escape it, so you tell me; what are we striving for?
Success and recognition from strangers?
Or the supreme goal with our Creator?
Faith can be the anchor to our core belief
But often invisible to the outside world
But I carry my faith on my head every single day
And I’m never going to do it for anybody else –
– than for the purpose of saving myself from this worldly life.
The deep, dark thoughts suddenly surface again.
And I wonder if it’s shaytan whispering in my ear repeatedly.
Or is this from my own self?
I feel bruised and beaten on the inside.
Why do I self destructed every good thing in my life?
But just know that Shaytan doesn’t attack the lost ones.
Their case is done.
He sits on the straight path to mislead the believers.
So don’t give up dear one.
The end is near and so is your reward, in sha Allah.
The difference between a believer and a disbeliever is his salah.
And yet again we have to say goodbye to you
The month were hope is restored,
and faith is recharged
We will wait patiently till you come again
Hoping we will meet you next year
Trying to take our good deeds beyond this month
And make everyday like Ramadan
I can’t really explain my absence the last months. Sometimes it’s hard to describe feelings into words, and you have no clue why things happen. I’m only 19 years old and should have the whole world in front of my feet. But it doesn’t exactly help to hear all kinds of advice from colleagues, family or friends. There is no way they can put their feelings and trouble aside and look inside my head and see what is going on.
Everyone is going through something, cause we can’t always be happy – it is mentally impossible. For me, when I’m happy, I’m ecstatic. I’m on top of the world, like happiness is something I’ve never felt before. I have moments of happiness too but they fade away just as quickly as then came. And when I’m down I beat myself up over all the wrongs and should have’s. It’s hard to just be and let everything go because I always feel some sort of responsibility. At work, at home or to myself.
The day only has 24 hours, 9 of which go to sleeping, 8 hours go to work and 1 hour goes to commuting back and forth from work. Exercise takes about 2 hours, which leads us to 4 hours left to live. Is that enough, having 4 hours of spare time?
I’m just saying, there is not enough hours in the day to do everything we want or have to do. So spare with me, I’m trying my best.