It’s been two days since my fiasco with the car and it’s not going a 100% yet so I will take it to the repair shop tomorrow. Hopefully I will get home safely today. Nothing really exciting happening when you’re not going to work but I did finish filming another video which will go live on Monday at 12 p.m.
For the rest of day I’m going to relax, eat good food and enjoy the moment.
We were born, forced to live
Without a choice but to die
In between we choose as we desire
Without seeing the end of our time
We keep on breathing, looking past the issue
That in the morning we might be leaving
Still we act invincible
Telling ourself tomorrow will be expected
We forget that we are all here to die
Without a choice we were forced to try
Don’t waste your time with meaningless ties
In the end we’ll all be broken inside
Today I put on make up. I covered my face because I thought it would get better. I covered up the blemishes on my face just like I cover up my feelings. I hid up my red checks just like I hide myself. I thought I would feel better but I didn’t. The harsh truth looked back at me and said; ‘who is this?’. I couldn’t recognize myself with the black long lashes, overdrawn lips and painted cheekbones.
I’m left with a big question mark because I can’t understand how I have made myself believe that I’m less beautiful. We hide the imperfect human being God created us to be. But somehow we all aim to be perfect.
Today was not a good day and even though I want to post an uplifting image, I can’t hide what my heart is feeling. I want to scream and cry at the same time and shake those around me and ask them how they can’t see that I’m hurting. I want to cry my eyes out because I’m broken inside.
I won’t allow myself to cry. My tears will stay dry before they fall into my hand where you used to hold on to. But now you’ve let go and my tears are drowning in my eyes. My vision is gone and my heart is blinded. The emptiness carries on and grows in my soul. No one ever hears me even when I scream. The ache is still here after all these years. Even when you’re so close to me it never leaves. I feel your hand slowly slipping away. I fade away to my own distraction and I’m lost without you.
Today was a mess, at least emotionally it was. I hardly write anything personal but I’ve felt so disconnected the last couple of days and only wrote the necessary. My head full with unanswered questions and my heart still holding on to the little bit of hope I have left. I’m not going to get into details but just writing that little phrase there helped. Talking helps, but nobody asks so there’s no one to tell my worries to. I write, but who reads my journals? That’s why it’s all just a mess.
I don’t want to complain because I’m having an amazing holiday and I’m so glad time stands a little bit more still here. Even now I still got 2 weeks left. But the thing that had me wanting to fly home right this second is fading and I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll come home to emptiness with a broken heart. I guess that’s what happens when you open your heart and you’re blinded by how much control another person has for your feelings. I could blame myself, that I dove in way too fast again. And all I’m left with now is checking my phone every five minutes.
When we love we love a lot. And even when the love is fading we hold on to the minimal love that is left and hope that our feelings will renew.
How much can you change for another person before losing yourself?
Though my head says no, my heart says go, so I’m going to try this one more time. I’ll call this our last chance, so don’t come crawling back if you leave again. And even if you do I won’t be broken, cause you can’t break a broken heart.
I bury my feelings deeper than yours. But if you show me yours, I’ll show mine again. And one kiss changed everything.
My smile fades when you’re not around and my guard is up every time I’m with you. I’m scared you’ll hurt me. Scared I’ll fall for you ones again. You’ll run and I’ll stand alone. Another heart broken because of you.
And I fell and you ran. I’m all alone again, broken and bruised. You shouldn’t have come back. My smile has turned into tears. The pain is taking over and love is getting lost.