I can’t even feel the pain because I’ve buried it so far down
Every inch of my being is torn and I want to scream out crying.
Feeling like a disappointment to everyone around me.
Silently crying because I don’t want anyone to hear me.
With the door unlocked because I want someone to find me.
Being happy and miserable at the same time.
You know what I’ve just found out? You can almost never plan anything when you have a baby. Today my plan was to make a YouTube video after a long, long time. I started setting up my camera, finding the right light and position. But before I knew it I had to rush towards a cough and cry, and in that moment knocked over my tripod and camera. It flew to the floor and landed under the bed. When I came back I couldn’t get the power on which probably means that it needs to be shipped to reparation. Then after a feed and diaper change I tried again, now with my iPhone. I found the right light and position with the baby next to me. And to my surprise I didn’t manage to film more than a minute due to lack of storage. Story of my life. Now the last solution was my MacBook, but after filming with the webcamera, it’s neither HD which it said it was and the sound is rubbish. So goodbye YouTube career. Maybe this is the univers telling me to stick to writing?
I’ve lost all the motivation that I woke up to this morning. And it doesn’t help that it’s grey and foggy outside. I have to try and turn this day around. At least I have good company.
The last 48 hours have been long and exhausting. The quilt drives me crazy and before I lay my head down I think about the things I didn’t managed to do. I beat myself up, and I’m bruised from the inside out. I rage at the smallest things but put on a smile whenever I’m outside. I don’t recognizes myself anymore. I’m strangled by this life and wish for the time it will end. This is not the life I want to be living, waiting for death to arrive just to feel the release of the stinging pain.
I know this only took a minute to read but it helps. Every unsaid word can be written down forever, and that helps. Take a big breath, and don’t stop breathing.
Today I put on make up. I covered my face because I thought it would get better. I covered up the blemishes on my face just like I cover up my feelings. I hid up my red checks just like I hide myself. I thought I would feel better but I didn’t. The harsh truth looked back at me and said; ‘who is this?’. I couldn’t recognize myself with the black long lashes, overdrawn lips and painted cheekbones.
I’m left with a big question mark because I can’t understand how I have made myself believe that I’m less beautiful. We hide the imperfect human being God created us to be. But somehow we all aim to be perfect.
Today was not a good day and even though I want to post an uplifting image, I can’t hide what my heart is feeling. I want to scream and cry at the same time and shake those around me and ask them how they can’t see that I’m hurting. I want to cry my eyes out because I’m broken inside.
I won’t allow myself to cry. My tears will stay dry before they fall into my hand where you used to hold on to. But now you’ve let go and my tears are drowning in my eyes. My vision is gone and my heart is blinded. The emptiness carries on and grows in my soul. No one ever hears me even when I scream. The ache is still here after all these years. Even when you’re so close to me it never leaves. I feel your hand slowly slipping away. I fade away to my own distraction and I’m lost without you.
Today was a mess, at least emotionally it was. I hardly write anything personal but I’ve felt so disconnected the last couple of days and only wrote the necessary. My head full with unanswered questions and my heart still holding on to the little bit of hope I have left. I’m not going to get into details but just writing that little phrase there helped. Talking helps, but nobody asks so there’s no one to tell my worries to. I write, but who reads my journals? That’s why it’s all just a mess.
I don’t want to complain because I’m having an amazing holiday and I’m so glad time stands a little bit more still here. Even now I still got 2 weeks left. But the thing that had me wanting to fly home right this second is fading and I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll come home to emptiness with a broken heart. I guess that’s what happens when you open your heart and you’re blinded by how much control another person has for your feelings. I could blame myself, that I dove in way too fast again. And all I’m left with now is checking my phone every five minutes.
When we love we love a lot. And even when the love is fading we hold on to the minimal love that is left and hope that our feelings will renew.
How much can you change for another person before losing yourself?