If you didn’t know already, I never celebrated Christmas. I grew up in a Christian cult and the only thing we were allowed to celebrated was our birthdays. From Easter to Christmas and all in between were forbidden. I always made up lies to tell my friends at school when I was younger. I remember everyone came back from Christmas break raving about their new toys and all the presents they got. And I always felt so out of place, like I didn’t belong. How could I when I didn’t get anything. So I decorated the truth. I scraped together all the small bits and pieces I received during the December month and often said that that was what I got for Christmas. I even told lies about what we did and ate on Christmas eve. I was ashamed of what people might think if I told them the truth. The truth being that I’ve never celebrated it.
Looking back at it know, I see it as a blessing in disguise. I don’t have to say goodbye from a celebration that I never took part of. I don’t have to lie to my family that I cannot make their festivities. Because honestly there are non, even now over a decade after leaving the cult. I don’t have to remove my hijab to fit into their standards. I don’t have to navigate through the dinner to avoid eating pork. Today I saw the huge blessing I was given and somewhat advantage.
My heart goes out to all of you reverts who have found Islam and the beauty in it, but are still trying to navigate your new life with your old. I pray that Allah swt makes it easy for you and softens the hearts of your families so that you don’t have to do something against your religion and faith, to keep familie ties aligned. May Allah swt reward you for your efforts and insha’Allah it will get easier, ameen.
Today has physically and mentally been a long day. Even though it didn’t turn out the way I imagined, I’m so grateful for another year. You see, today is my birthday. 25 years ago my life started and I’m so grateful to have turned 25. Even though the number always scares me a little bit every year. But the thing is – I don’t feel 25. I guess it’s because I had this imagine of how 25 would feel and look like from a young age. And now that it has arrived, I don’t feel a day over 20, maybe 21. It’s like time stopped 5 years ago, even though it didn’t.
My plans today were having a huge breakfast, taking my son to daycare and then continuing the day with my daughter. I planned to meet my mum and we would have coffee and cake. I would take her home to my house and cut her hair, pick up my son and start dinner. I wanted my brother to come visit us and we would all have cake together, and maybe I would open some presents. All of this never happened because it couldn’t. And even though we plan, God plans as well and He is the Best of Planners.
Today didn’t happen has I imagined but I’m still so grateful for the family I’ve got, for my two healthy children who even at hard times bring a smile to my face, and for another year. God willing, I will have many more to come with my family by my side.
You tell me I am oppressed because of the way I dress.
You tell me I am oppressed because I cover my hair.
You tell me I am oppressed because I choose not to hug nor kiss you.
Now you are outside covering your face and your hands.
And you neither touch nor kiss someone,
because you are scared of the dangerous corona virus.
Science is now telling you how to dress and act with others.
Allah has always told me how to dress and act with others.
You are afraid of the virus.
I am afraid of Allah.
You want to be saved from the epidemic.
I want to be saved from the hell fire.
Now who of us is oppressed?
Leaving you behind will be one of the hardest things I’ll have to do. You are growing up and I wish I could go back and experience it all again. Even the long, sleepless nights. The laughter and heartbreak. It’s going too fast and soon it’s gone. I can’t even remember the little things. Your first smile or the first time you laughed. This time last year I had you so close, our hearts beating next to each other. Can we go back together, just you and I? Let’s live it again, even the hard times. I wouldn’t want it any other way because it was you. It was always you.
Momma loves you.
I just got a text from you.
It’s been months since we’ve talked.
I’ve gotten used to living without your present.
I don’t even feel the urge to look what you have to say.
But somehow I couldn’t stop my fingers from sliding the page open-
scrolling down to the last message.
I expected my heart to stop for a split second
but my feelings where numb towards you.
You know we didn’t end it on the best note that summer.
I still remember the heart break, like it was last week.
That’s how I know it was real.
I never seemed to work up the courage to wipe out the messy page
we left on that summer day.
Week by week this is what I did last year.
- Finding out the gender of our 2nd child.
- Punctured a tire on the car.
- Went to the movies w/ my mum & saw ‘Second Act’.
- Visited my friend at her new apartment & brought her salt & bread.
- First night our son slept in his own room.
- 50% on sick leave from work.
- Spent the afternoon w/ my mum.
- Drove to Sweden with the family to buy food.
- Met my friend after not seeing each other for one year.
- My son and I spent a whole afternoon w/ my dad in Oslo.
- Flew to Paris w/ my mum (& my daughter).
- Renovated our new kitchen table from the thrift store.
- Celebrated my mum’s birthday w/ my brother.
- Met my best friends.
- Visited my old school w/ my friend and my son.
- Easter holiday – worked all week.
- Drove to IKEA & went to a fabric store in Oslo alone.
- Food shopping in Sweden w/ the family.
- Start of Ramadan. Watched ‘The Hustle’ at the cinema w/ my mum.
- Started maternity leave.
- 38 week control.
- First Kindergarten visit & visit from my mum. Our daughter was born.
- Eid celebration w/ my husband’s family.
- Visit from my friend & went shopping.
- Food- and kids market w/ my children, mum and brother.
- Met my best friends & celebrated my friend’s birthday together.
- Breakfast at my dad’s.
- 1st motorcycle ride w/ my dad. Met my friend & went to a cafe & the beach.
- Met my friend at her house w/ my kids & her nephew.
- Beach day w/ the family.
- First day in kindergarten for my son & met my niece for the 1st time.
- Shopping day w/ the family. Akvarium visit w/ my mum and the kids.
- Norway’s biggest amusement park w/ my husband’s family.
- Visited an open farm w/ my children.
- Celebrated my 24th birthday w/ my mum, dad, brother, husband and kids. Also bought a new car.
- 1st day back at work.
- Goodbye dinner for a dear colleague.
- 1st time our daughter tried baby food (mashed potatoes).
- Last MC ride of the year.
- Sweden w/ the family – food shopping.
- Gokart w/ my brother & husband.
- Our daughter rolls over for the first time.
- Sunday breakfast at my dad’s.
- Visited a huge soft play area w/ my husbands family and kids.
- Sweden w/ my mum and daughter.
- My son had to go to the doctor’s.
- Met my friend.
- Picked up my mum from the airport. Witnessed a motorcycle crash.
- Brunch at my dad’s.
- Sweden w/ my mum and daughter.
- Cinema w/ my mum – we watched Jumanji: The next level.
- First roadtrip w/ the family to Gothenburg.
A 100 days ago I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. 4920 grams and 50 cm of pure love wrapped into one tiny human being. 3 months later I can see her smiling back at me when I look at her and all of my worries fade away. The world stops for minute and it’s just us. Then the noise from the outside world start tumbling in again but that smile remains. And after 9 long months she is finally kicking her feet of joy and excitement. There is nothing more beautiful and precious than to see your children grow up right beside you. And losing either one of them would be my greatest fear.
Tomorrow will be my first day back at work since going out on maternity leave 3 weeks before my baby girl came. My head is totally ready for it but my heart is still yearning to be with my child. I’m overwhelmed with emotions and don’t really know what to focus on. But I know it will be good for me, and I’m ready to take the leap.
The first Saturday in September, 3 months after giving birth, I’m back at it, and I’m ready.
The last couple of weeks have turned into a blur. All merged into one. I don’t even remember when one stops and the next one starts. I fill my day with tasks & goals so that my time won’t be left meaningless. The one thing I wish I had more of – time. Whilst I know my time is ending, the time of my children are just beginning, God willing. But that makes days like these so much more valuable.
I started my day off like I always do – enjoying a homemade breakfast with my son. Around noon I jumped in the car with my daughter to drive and pick up my friend from work. We enjoyed our afternoon outside, finding a cute cafe were we could sit and chat for a while. The day only got better when we decided to buy two baskets of strawberries and then swing by at home to get my son. Norwegian summer doesn’t last very long so when the weather is good you’ll find most people at the beach, where we also ended up. Even though it took a while to get used to the cold water, it was still nice.
A day to remember. Now I’m hoping that my daughter will fall asleep soon so that I too can catch some Zzzz. Good night.
Both my babies are in bed now, even though it happened to get a bit earlier for my son. But since he missed his afternoon nap today he was eagerly asleep once we put him down. It’s been 11 days since our little girl arrived and the days are slowly flying by. My due date was just four days ago but I’m so glad she came early. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d go another minute of being pregnant. I’m enjoying every moment of being a mom of two, trying to find our new routine and having lots of family time. I know a labor & delivery story is still missing from this page and my YouTube, but they are in the works. In the mean time let me reminisces of the things I don’t really miss from my pregnancy.
5 Things I don’t miss from being pregnancy
- Itching all over my growing belly
- Not having any clothes that fit properly
- Seeing new stretch marks
- Not being able to go an hour without using the bathroom
- Having extreme back pain at the end of the day
With that being said, I’m never going to be ungrateful for the miracle I have in my life. After nine long and painful months, she is finally here and I’m so lucky and thankful.