But my future was planned out differently than what I imagined. My dearest dream came true, and I had a family before I turned 22. I have loved and lost just to get the greatest gift of all. Seeing the other side of the world knowing what my heart really wanted. Figuring out I will never belong in this world other than for a short period of time. Now five years have gone and it’s time to move on.
Today was a mess, at least emotionally it was. I hardly write anything personal but I’ve felt so disconnected the last couple of days and only wrote the necessary. My head full with unanswered questions and my heart still holding on to the little bit of hope I have left. I’m not going to get into details but just writing that little phrase there helped. Talking helps, but nobody asks so there’s no one to tell my worries to. I write, but who reads my journals? That’s why it’s all just a mess.
I don’t want to complain because I’m having an amazing holiday and I’m so glad time stands a little bit more still here. Even now I still got 2 weeks left. But the thing that had me wanting to fly home right this second is fading and I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll come home to emptiness with a broken heart. I guess that’s what happens when you open your heart and you’re blinded by how much control another person has for your feelings. I could blame myself, that I dove in way too fast again. And all I’m left with now is checking my phone every five minutes.
When we love we love a lot. And even when the love is fading we hold on to the minimal love that is left and hope that our feelings will renew.
How much can you change for another person before losing yourself?
Never waste your feelings on people who don’t value them.