If you didn’t know already, I never celebrated Christmas. I grew up in a Christian cult and the only thing we were allowed to celebrated was our birthdays. From Easter to Christmas and all in between were forbidden. I always made up lies to tell my friends at school when I was younger. I remember everyone came back from Christmas break raving about their new toys and all the presents they got. And I always felt so out of place, like I didn’t belong. How could I when I didn’t get anything. So I decorated the truth. I scraped together all the small bits and pieces I received during the December month and often said that that was what I got for Christmas. I even told lies about what we did and ate on Christmas eve. I was ashamed of what people might think if I told them the truth. The truth being that I’ve never celebrated it.
Looking back at it know, I see it as a blessing in disguise. I don’t have to say goodbye from a celebration that I never took part of. I don’t have to lie to my family that I cannot make their festivities. Because honestly there are non, even now over a decade after leaving the cult. I don’t have to remove my hijab to fit into their standards. I don’t have to navigate through the dinner to avoid eating pork. Today I saw the huge blessing I was given and somewhat advantage.
My heart goes out to all of you reverts who have found Islam and the beauty in it, but are still trying to navigate your new life with your old. I pray that Allah swt makes it easy for you and softens the hearts of your families so that you don’t have to do something against your religion and faith, to keep familie ties aligned. May Allah swt reward you for your efforts and insha’Allah it will get easier, ameen.
Last year on the 1/1/2020 I wrote a blog post about what my 2020 goals were. This was 3 month before the pandemic, before the world shut down. Non of us could predict what year this would become but I’m sure everyone is happy that we’re saying goodbye tonight.
Last year I had this on my new year’s resolution list:
- WRITE IN MY GRATEFUL JOURNAL EACH DAY
- FAST IN RAMADAN
- WORKOUT & FINISH 5K RUN
- FOLLOW THE 12 HOUR FAST
- TRAVEL – AMSTERDAM, ISLAND…?
- KØBENHAVN BOAT TRIP
- MAJOR 25TH BIRTHDAY PRESENT
- CONTINUE MAKING YOUTUBE VIDEOS
- POST ON IG AGAIN…? (BIG QUESTIONMARK)
- BUY LESS IN 2020
- SEW A DOLL FOR MY DAUGHTER
- SEARCH FOR A FULL TIME JOB
- GET MY MOTORCYCLE LICENSE IN 2020
I can honestly say that I did not accomplish all of these goals. Some I were unable to do because of the strict travel ban & I didn’t feel safe travelling otherwise. Others I was too hesitant to try and scared of the criticism I would receive. My list for 2021 is not long, in fact – I didn’t write one for this year. I always seem to fall short of them anyway and I don’t want to disappoint myself. I do believe I would benefit from more routines and structure in my life next year. Like having specific days to workout, filming youtube videos, bed time routine and so forth.
These are the things I didn’t accomplish in 2020:
- I did not write in my Grateful Journal every day (but I came very close).
- I did not finish a 5k run.
- I did not travel this year.
- I did not take a boat trip to København.
- I did not post on IG again.
- I did not buy less in 2020, unfortunately.
- I did not sew a doll for my daughter (but I bought her one).
I am however very proud to have fasted in Ramadan, having a great 25th birthday where we went to an amusement park and rented a tiny house on Airbnb. I searched for more jobs at the end of the year and also went on interviews. Most of all I’m proud to finally have my motorcycle license. A dream of mine for as long as I can remember.
Let’s look forward to a brighter future & hope for a great 2021.
Today has physically and mentally been a long day. Even though it didn’t turn out the way I imagined, I’m so grateful for another year. You see, today is my birthday. 25 years ago my life started and I’m so grateful to have turned 25. Even though the number always scares me a little bit every year. But the thing is – I don’t feel 25. I guess it’s because I had this imagine of how 25 would feel and look like from a young age. And now that it has arrived, I don’t feel a day over 20, maybe 21. It’s like time stopped 5 years ago, even though it didn’t.
My plans today were having a huge breakfast, taking my son to daycare and then continuing the day with my daughter. I planned to meet my mum and we would have coffee and cake. I would take her home to my house and cut her hair, pick up my son and start dinner. I wanted my brother to come visit us and we would all have cake together, and maybe I would open some presents. All of this never happened because it couldn’t. And even though we plan, God plans as well and He is the Best of Planners.
Today didn’t happen has I imagined but I’m still so grateful for the family I’ve got, for my two healthy children who even at hard times bring a smile to my face, and for another year. God willing, I will have many more to come with my family by my side.
Leaving you behind will be one of the hardest things I’ll have to do. You are growing up and I wish I could go back and experience it all again. Even the long, sleepless nights. The laughter and heartbreak. It’s going too fast and soon it’s gone. I can’t even remember the little things. Your first smile or the first time you laughed. This time last year I had you so close, our hearts beating next to each other. Can we go back together, just you and I? Let’s live it again, even the hard times. I wouldn’t want it any other way because it was you. It was always you.
Momma loves you.
Week by week this is what I did last year.
- Finding out the gender of our 2nd child.
- Punctured a tire on the car.
- Went to the movies w/ my mum & saw ‘Second Act’.
- Visited my friend at her new apartment & brought her salt & bread.
- First night our son slept in his own room.
- 50% on sick leave from work.
- Spent the afternoon w/ my mum.
- Drove to Sweden with the family to buy food.
- Met my friend after not seeing each other for one year.
- My son and I spent a whole afternoon w/ my dad in Oslo.
- Flew to Paris w/ my mum (& my daughter).
- Renovated our new kitchen table from the thrift store.
- Celebrated my mum’s birthday w/ my brother.
- Met my best friends.
- Visited my old school w/ my friend and my son.
- Easter holiday – worked all week.
- Drove to IKEA & went to a fabric store in Oslo alone.
- Food shopping in Sweden w/ the family.
- Start of Ramadan. Watched ‘The Hustle’ at the cinema w/ my mum.
- Started maternity leave.
- 38 week control.
- First Kindergarten visit & visit from my mum. Our daughter was born.
- Eid celebration w/ my husband’s family.
- Visit from my friend & went shopping.
- Food- and kids market w/ my children, mum and brother.
- Met my best friends & celebrated my friend’s birthday together.
- Breakfast at my dad’s.
- 1st motorcycle ride w/ my dad. Met my friend & went to a cafe & the beach.
- Met my friend at her house w/ my kids & her nephew.
- Beach day w/ the family.
- First day in kindergarten for my son & met my niece for the 1st time.
- Shopping day w/ the family. Akvarium visit w/ my mum and the kids.
- Norway’s biggest amusement park w/ my husband’s family.
- Visited an open farm w/ my children.
- Celebrated my 24th birthday w/ my mum, dad, brother, husband and kids. Also bought a new car.
- 1st day back at work.
- Goodbye dinner for a dear colleague.
- 1st time our daughter tried baby food (mashed potatoes).
- Last MC ride of the year.
- Sweden w/ the family – food shopping.
- Gokart w/ my brother & husband.
- Our daughter rolls over for the first time.
- Sunday breakfast at my dad’s.
- Visited a huge soft play area w/ my husbands family and kids.
- Sweden w/ my mum and daughter.
- My son had to go to the doctor’s.
- Met my friend.
- Picked up my mum from the airport. Witnessed a motorcycle crash.
- Brunch at my dad’s.
- Sweden w/ my mum and daughter.
- Cinema w/ my mum – we watched Jumanji: The next level.
- First roadtrip w/ the family to Gothenburg.
Make your purpose to strive for success
Paradise where you’ll rest
And make the Angels know your name
Prayer is the only thing separating a believer from a disbeliever
Fight the urge to fall in love with this worldly life
Because it will end for each and everyone of us
No one can escape it, so you tell me; what are we striving for?
Success and recognition from strangers?
Or the supreme goal with our Creator?
Faith can be the anchor to our core belief
But often invisible to the outside world
But I carry my faith on my head every single day
And I’m never going to do it for anybody else –
– than for the purpose of saving myself from this worldly life.
Maybe you’re drifting apart for a reason. Those missed calls or dinners where no one ever showed up or bothered to let you know they’re not coming. Maybe it’s for a reason. It’s part of a bigger picture – one that you might not understand right now. Your paths are not the same. You grow up and sometimes you grow apart from the people you once used to be. Even though it saddens your heart to know the truth, you know that the people you’re leaving behind are not good for your future.
Days, weeks and even months go by without a call or text. And you start to wonder if you ever meant anything to these people or were you just a moment in time for them. You find yourself always being the one on the other end, reaching out for contact but they hardly ever seem to find the time for you. And you release it’s a dead end.
A 100 days ago I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. 4920 grams and 50 cm of pure love wrapped into one tiny human being. 3 months later I can see her smiling back at me when I look at her and all of my worries fade away. The world stops for minute and it’s just us. Then the noise from the outside world start tumbling in again but that smile remains. And after 9 long months she is finally kicking her feet of joy and excitement. There is nothing more beautiful and precious than to see your children grow up right beside you. And losing either one of them would be my greatest fear.
Tomorrow will be my first day back at work since going out on maternity leave 3 weeks before my baby girl came. My head is totally ready for it but my heart is still yearning to be with my child. I’m overwhelmed with emotions and don’t really know what to focus on. But I know it will be good for me, and I’m ready to take the leap.
The first Saturday in September, 3 months after giving birth, I’m back at it, and I’m ready.
The last couple of weeks have turned into a blur. All merged into one. I don’t even remember when one stops and the next one starts. I fill my day with tasks & goals so that my time won’t be left meaningless. The one thing I wish I had more of – time. Whilst I know my time is ending, the time of my children are just beginning, God willing. But that makes days like these so much more valuable.
I started my day off like I always do – enjoying a homemade breakfast with my son. Around noon I jumped in the car with my daughter to drive and pick up my friend from work. We enjoyed our afternoon outside, finding a cute cafe were we could sit and chat for a while. The day only got better when we decided to buy two baskets of strawberries and then swing by at home to get my son. Norwegian summer doesn’t last very long so when the weather is good you’ll find most people at the beach, where we also ended up. Even though it took a while to get used to the cold water, it was still nice.
A day to remember. Now I’m hoping that my daughter will fall asleep soon so that I too can catch some Zzzz. Good night.