Leaving you behind will be one of the hardest things I’ll have to do. You are growing up and I wish I could go back and experience it all again. Even the long, sleepless nights. The laughter and heartbreak. It’s going too fast and soon it’s gone. I can’t even remember the little things. Your first smile or the first time you laughed. This time last year I had you so close, our hearts beating next to each other. Can we go back together, just you and I? Let’s live it again, even the hard times. I wouldn’t want it any other way because it was you. It was always you.
Momma loves you.
After deleting my social media I suddenly remember how my time was spent before using it. How I used to have time to enjoy my meals without scrolling through Instagram. Or how I actually get time to read the blogs I used to love instead of just skimming through to see the pretty pictures. I found myself wasting my precious time – the time we have so little of and that goes by faster each year. At the end of the day it was neither beneficial or good for me. Whether I was posting a new picture, searching for likes and comments, waiting for my next follower. Or scrolling through to find my heart get jealous of what I couldn’t deliver through amazing photography skills or the number of likes I saw flashing in my face.
I need to start focusing on myself in the real world and not the visual concept we call social media.
No one dares to show the real side of life – only chasing likes through double taps.
Today I put on make up. I covered my face because I thought it would get better. I covered up the blemishes on my face just like I cover up my feelings. I hid up my red checks just like I hide myself. I thought I would feel better but I didn’t. The harsh truth looked back at me and said; ‘who is this?’. I couldn’t recognize myself with the black long lashes, overdrawn lips and painted cheekbones.
I’m left with a big question mark because I can’t understand how I have made myself believe that I’m less beautiful. We hide the imperfect human being God created us to be. But somehow we all aim to be perfect.
Today was not a good day and even though I want to post an uplifting image, I can’t hide what my heart is feeling. I want to scream and cry at the same time and shake those around me and ask them how they can’t see that I’m hurting. I want to cry my eyes out because I’m broken inside.